been awhile...

It's been awhile since my last post. Too many things have happened in my life. I am now temporarily living in Las Vegas undergoing yet another cancer treatment. This will be my 3rd diagnosis. My treatment for this one is not so bad, and the fact that I have my two sisters here to help me out and to spend time with, my treatment is going a little easier. It scares me sometimes since this is my 3rd diagnosis that I might not make it through but I was told I have 85% chance of survival so the prognosis is not so depressing and gives me a little hope that I may be allowed to live longer (10-20 years I hope). I guess the thing that is sad about dying is missing out on some of the things you love (e.g., flowers, music, ocean), and of course the people you love. For me, I really didn't think about myself, I thought mostly about the people I have to leave behind. I wonder if it's the same for other people in the same situation...

seems like only yesterday...

I can't believe I'm going through another cancer treatment since the last time I posted here.

the calm before the storm...

Second day of chemo treatment...I'm using as much of the energy I have before the poison (chemo) hits me hard (usually after 2-3 days). I've had sleepless nights since I'm taking Dexamethasone, which is supposed to help prevent swelling. I also keep up with my anti-nausea medicine (Zofran) to prevent myself from spending too much time in the bathroom puking my guts out.

What I eat to help with energy: I loaded my refrigerator with Ensure Plus, Soy Milk, Rice Milk, and Yoghurt (Activia) so that I can have all the protein and calories that I need. Solid foods for the next two weeks will be impossible, especially foods with strong smells. Simple protein/calorie packed, popped in the microwave type foods will do. These types of foods are usually good because I don't have to handle sharp objects. You wouldn't want to cut yourself and bleed to death.

I was told my hair might thin a little bit, but there's also a chance of complete hair loss. I will make a trip to the beauty salon while I have energy left and get a short hair cut. I also purchase a couple of ski hats (cold in Monterey, CA) to help hide my bald head.

How do I feel right now: I really cannot describe how I feel right now, all I know is, I better be ready to combat any and all side effects and give my body the nutrition it needs in order for me to survive and live a semi-normal life during this treatment. We really never know how bad it's going to be until we get there.

on fighting cancer...

March 13 (Friday) 2009, on my way to Palo Alto, California for my first chemotherapy infusion. The drive was a little gloomy (typical Monterey morning fog) in the morning but it was sunny late in the afternoon when I left the hospital. The treatment took about 5 hours. My veins were too small so the infusion was set to slow (e.g., 2 hours vs. 1 hour). So the infusion started at 9:30 a.m. and I didn't leave the infusion ward until 4:30 p.m.

I felt fine thoughout the infusion, just bored from sitting for so long. The nurses station was also very noisy and the beeping noise from the other infusion chairs was irritating. It would be nice for the room to have a nice view and maybe a nice relaxing music, but that could be asking for too much.

the diagnosis...

I can't tell you how I felt when the test results for breast tumor came back positive. It's been four weeks since the diagnosis but I still don't know how I feel. I know I'm stuffing it all down and am trying to be brave about this whole thing but I feel I'm going to break down one of these days. I actually thought this whole thing is all behind me...it's been more than 10 years since my first diagnosis and I was told I was out of the woods and that there is nothing to worry about. I was down to once-a-year check-up. I feel as if I built something and someone came in and knocked it all down as I nailed the last board.

The treatment: Bilateral mastectomy and 4 rounds of chemotherapy! I had the surgery done on February 11th and am now 80% recovered from the butchering. I'm still afraid to look at my chest and I hate to touch the scars when I'm in the shower. I tell myself everyday that I didn't need them and that they are not important, but somehow I feel like I lost a big part of my life (or body).

how long has it been...

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since my last post--almost 2.5 years! As I've mentioned in one of my post, I moved back to California for school and work. The job was great and school is hectic. It definitely feels great to be back and be out of Taiwan for a while. Good things, as well as bad happened since my last post. However, there are more good than bad so I'm not complaining.

From this point on until my the completion of my treatments I will be writing about my battle with breast cancer. I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997 and went through the treatment and survived for 10 years. However, I have a recurrence and I'm now scheduled to go through chemotherapy treatment. Going through chemotherapy treatment in 1997, I can still remember how terrible it was and how I promised myself that I would never opt for this treatment should cancer recur. Now that I find myself in the same situation I was 10 years ago, I find myself wanting to live a little longer for the sake of the people I love. So, I am once again doing chemotherapy starting March 13, 2009 (this Friday).

back to Taiwan...

Back again in Taiwan...now getting ready for the big day--Chinese New Year! My trip to the Philippines was great! I had a lot of fun with the kids and enjoyed some Kapampangan cuisine. I took the kids to Echanted Kingdom...not much of an amusement park but the kids enjoyed it. I just wish I can afford to take them all to Disneyland so they experience a real amusement park. I'm planning on visiting again this summer (April to June) and get the children interested in gardening and maybe visit one of the beach resorts nearby like Subic Bay and teach them how to swim and appreciate the great outdoors...they spend too much time surfing the Internet and playing video games.


Back to Taiwan's most important holiday of the year--Chinese New Year! During this time of the year, you can see most people doing some major cleaning--washing their windows, mopping their floors and hanging red papers with writings on them. Five years ago, alot of people visits the market place in Jong Hua road where a bunch of vendors sell Chinese New Year items such as candies, red papers, and other items used during this certain holiday. Today, the market place is empty and most people prefers to go to western-style department stores own by either Americans or French. The culture in Taiwan also calls for the family to cook special dishes to be shared with the whole family on Chinese New Year Day; however, most families no longer cook. They order a "Chinese New Year Meal" from either restaurants offering the service and 7-11 stores.

Like poinsettas during Christmas time in the U.S., the comquat tree is also sold and displayed in front or inside everyhome. They believe it will bring them money luck with the yellow lemons symbolizing gold. I have a couple myself that bought the first year I was here and they bloom and fruit every year.

Finally, this is the time of the year when families get together and distant close relatives come home and stay for at least a week. This is when my husband and I feel obligated to spend at least 2-3 days at his parents house...something I find very uncomfortable since their standard of living is different from mine. It's also very difficult for me to sit there not knowing what they're talking about because my Mandarin is so terrible. But, since it's only once a year, I just play along--smile and nod and smile some more and eat whatever wierd stuff they put in front of me to show appreciation for their efforts and hospitality.

having fun in the Philippines...

First day: A van I rented (with a driver) picked me up from the airport and took me and my family in the Philipppines to Mall of Asia. I heard many things said about the supposed new mall but it really wasn't that great. The outside appearance didn't look really nice and went you went inside it looked just like another mall with the exception of the ice skating rink. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone planning to visit the Philippines.

Second day: I woke up at 6:00 am and visited another wet market in Pampang area, a place where my mother used to take me. The place is the same but the roads are different...more chaotic and the pavement that was once there is all worn out, so the tricycle ride was really bumpy. I bought a week's worth of fish, meat, and vegetables and cost me a mere $60! For my relatives here in the Philippines, they feel it was too expensive, but I thought it was cheap. The area where they sold fish and meat smelt terrible and the floor was wet and disgusting but I soon got used to it. The thing that I couldn't stand to see and experience were the beggars. Little children tapping you on your shoulder or arm, looking dirty and pitiful, asking for money. I also noticed women and children carrying little babies doing the same thing. I was told it's a tactic they use to get people to feel sorry for them and give them money.

Third day: On my third day, I decided to take a jeepney and visited a shopping mall--Nepo Mart. The place changed a lot just like all the other stores I frequented during my childhood in the Philippines. It is now a 3-4 story building with a huge grocery store on the bottom floor. On the second and third floor you can find lots of stalls selling fake goods (e.g., LV, Coach, Chanel, etc.) It's amazing how they can do such thing openly...I know in Taiwan they do the same thing but they do it secretly or go to jail. They get most of it from Korea and China I guess.

Fourth day: Now, on my fourth day, I think I'll take it easy around the house and think up more exciting things to do. I'm thinking of visiting Baclaran, a place I heard where shopping is really cheap!

on job hunting...

I remember days when looking for a job meant writing endless resumes and spending numerous hours browsing through the classified ads. Today, the computer and the Internet makes it much easier to land your dream job--all you have to do is log-on and google it! I'm still in Taiwan and wont be in Monterey until April but I've already found numerous jobs I'm interested in and have sent out my digital resume and intent letter without spending a cent! With a digital resume, I can also be more creative without spending tons of dollars on resume papers...the best part about it all...no trips to the post office! With the computer and the Internet, I'm also able to post my resume online for companies to view. A company/organization can easily view my personal website and know everything they want to know and decide wether or not to hire me. Too, I can view an organization's website and know about them so I can decide if I want to work for them or be part of their organization. Today, companies post job openings on their websites...including job descriptions, qualifications and pay--before you email your resume, you already have a good idea what the job is about, how much it pays, benefits, and if you qualify. Finally, in todays technology, you can also sign-up for Job Alerts. I get weekly job alerts from newspapers in Monterey free of charge! Great stuff!!

faded memories...

I came across this picture on the Internet and it made me think of my father and how he used to be. My father passed away in 1986. I wasn't able to attend the funeral but I find it difficult to get over his death.

This image actually represent what I remember about my father...I feel really sad because I can't remember what he looked like. I don't have a picture of him so my image of him is a blur.

One thing I'll never forget about my father is that he was a great cook! And because he was a great cook, he was a very picky eater. The best times were during the Christmas holidays. He used to always cook a feast fit for a king. He also used to take us to the church every Sunday on a Kalesa. I couldn't figure out what happened but at about 8 years old, he stopped taking us to church. You always knew when his rooster won because he would bring us goodies back...my favorite was the rice cake he used to bring me.

stress tips

This little book titled, "The Little Stress Book" by Rohan Candappa used to make me laugh so hard but today when I came across it, flipped through the pages, but for some reason, did nothing for me...in fact, I found it kind of ironic. It's amazing how some things can do so much for us at one time but do nothing at another????? Is it just my mood, or has my sense of humor changed? A few stress tips in the book:

Depress Yourself Early

As soon as you wake up in the morning, turn on a radio news show. News is always bad. What better way to put you in the right frame of mind for the day!

Everyday, the first thing I do is watch CNN. I was always made to believe that staying abreast with what's going on around us is very important. Don't ask me why it's important but most of us believe that. Of course, I always feel terrible when I see people killing people or children being abused, etc.

"But I Love Him/Her"

Constantly choose the wrong partner. Always turn to
the same friend for support when things go wrong.

It's true that people are attracted to men/women they know are totally wrong for them. Of course when things starts to fall apart they always act surprise.

A Sale

Go to a sale on the first day when the crowds are the
biggest. Then buy something you'll never ever wear.

A classic indeed! Women specially will rush to store sales (e.g., Black Friday) on the first day of the sale when they know tons of people will be there and then they buy something they'll never use just because they thought it was "a good deal." I know, I'm guilty of it myself.

I suppose, the author is trying to be facetious but most of what he wrote down is what most of us do on a daily basis.

what we've become...

Watching the president/leader of iraq executed, I wasn't quite sure how to feel. I guess its good that the people whose families were killed under his regime finally got justice and got some kind of closure. I know that if the same thing happened to my loved ones, I would want him punished too. On the other hand, is it really necessary that his execution be televised and his remains be shown to people all over the world? The whole thing seems to me too brutal. With these kinds of things you see on tv and the newspapers, it's no wonder there's so much hate in this world we live in.

love this song...

When Christmas Comes to Town

I'm wishing on a star
and trying to believe
that even though it's far
He'll find me Christmas Eve
I guess that Santa's busy
Cause he's never come around
I think of him
When Christmas comes to town

the best time of the year
when everyone comes home
with all this Christmas cheer
It's hard to be alone

Putting up the Christmas tree
with friends who come around
It's so much fun
when Christmas comes to town

Presents for the children
wrapped in red and green
all the things I've heard about
but never really seen
no one will be sleeping on the night of Christmas Eve
Hoping Santa's on his way

Whean Santa's sleigh bells ring
I listen all around
The herald angels sing
I never hear a sound
And all the dreams of children
once lost will all be found
that's all I want when Christmas comes to town

what I miss about Christmas...

Only ten (10) more days before Christmas and I still don't feel like it's Christmas. Taiwan do not celebrate Christmas so I usually have to be at work during the holidays unless it falls on a Sunday. This year, Christmas falls on a Monday so I will be at work all day...not my idea of a perfect Christmas.

The way I've celebrated Christmas since I came to Taiwan five years ago is mailing gifts to my nieces and nephews in the Philippines and the U.S. I've also used the Internet for buying gifts for my family and friends to let them know that I'm thinking about them during the holidays. eCards comes in handy too...there's just no Christmas cards in Taiwan good enough to send to family. Myself, I can't even remember the last time I received one.

I really miss Pinoy Style Christmas. I miss all the lanterns (parol) and all the great food! There's nothing like the traditional Filipino rice cakes! Filipinos take Christmas seriously. During this time of the year, even the poorest of the poor celebrates Christmas by making sure that their children have new outfits to wear to midnight mass and will have at least a good Christmas meal (noche buena). The family usually come together and you get to meet distant relatives you never even met before. Another great thing about the way the Filipinos celebrate Christmas is the midnight mass--people usually attend the midnight mass held on Christmas eve wearing their brand new clothes. Finally, on Christmas morning, all the children kisses their parents hand (bless) and the parents give their children, not gifts, but money or aguinaldo.

my heart...

Today, I had a wonderful chat with my wonderful niece, Victoria. She has given me so much...I would have had a worst time recovering from cancer if I didn't have her around.

Victoria was a wonderful baby who always had a ready smile for the people around her...she's only 8 years old but she can hold great conversations. Today, we talked about religion. She asked me if I go to church and told me about her Sunday School. I told her that although I'm a Catholic, I attended Sunday School from 8 years to my late teens and that everything I learned about God I learned from a Christian Sunday School.

She also told about her memory loss and that she couldn't seem to remember a lot of things. I told her she should eat more peanuts and then she said that her favorite food is "PB&J". I didn't know what that was until she told me that PB&J stands for Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich. Guess I'm behind the times...getting too old to know all these new slang and acronyms kids use nowadays.

when 3 months seems forever...

I guess luck is on my side this year because the Chinese Navy is sending my husband to Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California for his masters degree. We're going to stay there for two years! We're leaving in March next year...that's only three months from now, but I feel like it's taking forever! I really cannot wait to leave Taiwan, even just for a couple of years.

Monterey is a beatiful place...I lived and worked there once (1995-1997) and I loved it! The weather is a little cold for me but there were so many places in and around Monterey that I love so much that I hardly noticed the weather. Perhaps a place I really enjoyed is Pacific Grove--a quaint little place where I spend my Sundays, eating at a wonderful little cafe near the ocean. One of my favorite restaurant in Pacific Grove is the Thai Bistro. They serve authentic Thailand food..the place is small and always packed so you always have to wait, especially during lunch time. Another great place to eat, if you like seafood is Vivolo's Chowder House and the Old Fisherman Grotto. Great fish and chips!

I feel terrible leaving my students in the middle of the school year but I don't think I can stay any longer to finish the year. I feel I need to recharge.

remembering a great woman...

My husband's grandmother died at 82 this week, November 7, 2006 at 10:40 pm. She will be terribly missed. She bore nine children and lived her life in the Southern mountains in Pingtung, Taiwan. She could only speak her native language [Paywan] and the Japanese language that she picked up during the time when the Japanese occupied Taiwan.

My husband and I were never able to communicate with her. I remember the very first time I met her...we couldn't communicate so she sang me a song instead and gave me an Aboriginal name.

It doesn't seem fair for her to suffer with physical illness before she died because throughout her life, she only ate tofu and wild vegetables from the mountains where she lived. She didn't smoke or drink like the rest of the native population. She first had problems with her eyes and the doctors did a surgery. Before she even recovered from her eye surgery, she started having pains and the doctors found stones in her kidney, resulting in yet another surgery to take the stones out. Sadly, she never recovered from the kidney stone surgery and she was hospitalized for about a month and then went into a coma. She was in a coma for twelve days before she finally died. I just wished she didn't have to suffer so much pain.

leaving Taiwan...

goodbye Taiwan...hellow US of A! Finally leaving this place after 5 years of sucking air pollution and fighting the traffic. I'd hate to leave my husband behind but I fear if I stayed here any longer I'll die!! Just waiting for the semester to end and Vegas, here I come!

Great experience teaching and met lots of good people (mostly students)--even tried some funny and funky foods but I don't think I'll miss it at all. Sadly, because my husband is Taiwanese, coming back is inevitable but not having a permanent address in country is enough for me--a holiday or two a year is enough for me.

I'm ready for some long drives going from state to state. I need a REAL hot dog sandwich and don't forget Taco Bell! Don't think I'll give that up for a stinky tofu. Maybe I'll miss 7-11...NOT!

rainy monday...

what a dreadful rainy monday in Taiwan. I can't seem to get motivated and I think my class can tell--they all seemed to have fallen asleep on me.

Teaching is not my forte but I can do it...there are days, however, when I just don't feel I can spend another minute in a classroom.

i'm back...

I have been so busy with my classes and my numerous projects that I've neglected my blog. I've finished a whole semester and now begining a new one as well as traveled to the Philippines since my last entry.

Philippines was great! I had a great time visiting places I used to frequent when I was 6 years ago. One thing I made sure I did while there was to visit my favorite restaurants--wonderful Filipino food! I didn't realize how much I missed the food! I had so much fun, I even purchased land there! I'm planning on having a house built next year on my next visit so I can have sort of like a vacation home.

After more than three years living in Taiwan, I learned to really like the place--especially being so close to the Philippines making the airfare so cheap. The big plus is, it only takes 1 hour and 20 minutes to fly from Taiwan to Manila. The biggest reason why I seldom visit the Philippines is not because I didn't like it but because it takes two days flight from Florida! I really don't like long flights!