I feel sad...

...each time we have to say goodbye. I can't wait for the day when we can always be together. I will once again have to spend my mornings without you...our coffee time...the talks and laughter we have... I will miss you...until we meet again

...not sure how...

to feel when a younger member of the family dies...especially when no one knows how it all happened. We all have no choice but the accept it and try to get over the loss and comfort their immediate family. I hope and pray that your death was not unpleasant and that your journey to the netherworld an easy and comfortable one. I pray to God that he accept you and may your resting place be beautiful without any pain or sufferings.

...exciting encounters...

are something that we think about as we get older. With 52 just around the corner, I find myself thinking more and more about my past and I shake my head in disbelief while smiling and feeling excited at the same time. I think to myself, "if I can only travel through my 20s and 30s once again, it would be so wonderful..." or would it? I really miss my young self with mini dresses, accessories, black pantyhose, etc... and fantastic drinks surrounded by beautiful people. Among my favorites as a young woman are:

1. Ice pink lipstick

 2. Silky White Nail Polish

Just how have I changed now that I'm 52 (two weeks from today)? I think I still like the same things but I have to be more conservative in the way I dress. For now (and probably always) I will continue to wear pink lipstick and white nail polish.

...a wonderful...

scent of Egyptian Cotton candle. I bought just about everything with this scent from hand soap to candles...I just love the subtle, clean scent. I definitely need to buy more to keep my bedroom and my study smelling nice and relaxing. Ahhh the little pleasures in life...

for the past two days...

...I have been feeling all kinds of emotions from sadness to feeling empty with questions in my head I can't seem to find the right answers to--have I done enough, am I sincere in loving the people around me, how can I tell if I am, have I reached my full potential, and so on. Today, however, I've been feeling empty inside...does this mean that I miss my husband that I have not seen for six months now? Or does it mean that I'm lonely and need to go out there more and spend time with the people that I know? Is it because I'm stressing out about the issues I face everyday in running the household/family? Could it be that I'm worried about my follow-up appointment at the Cancer Institute scheduled for tomorrow? Whatever it is, I need to get rid of this feeling...

Emptyness

remembering those...

...who have died. I feel a warmth around me like your presence is so near. I close my eyes to visualize your face when you were here, and see only the visions of you the last time I saw you when you were ill at home. I tried my hardest to visualize how you used to look and how happy you were as a young man, caring only about your music, which was your true passion. Even though we didn't talk a lot, there was that connection between us that we both knew will always be there. You were my cousin, my older brother, who would have been there for me if I needed you. I am happy that you no longer feel any pain and are now together with your beloved family. I will keep you in my prayers and may your soul rest in peace.

It's my first...

...mother's day and I wishing I am with my adopted daughter who to do this day is still in the Philippines. Red tapes and government policies prevents her from joining me..I'm working on the documents and I'm hoping to have her here by September this year (2012).

I can really...

...use a nice glass of mimosa right now. I miss having a nice drink with my husband while talking about everything. I sometimes wonder if I'm limiting myself too much. I should do as much as I can since I've been through cancer thrice. I know I'm not ready to go, but I have a feeling that if this cancer recur I wouldn't be so lucky. Anyway, I just have to keep going and enjoy a nice drink of mimosa!

 

I think I will start...

...a collection of tea cups! I love going to TJ Max and Marshalls browsing through various types of tea cups...I choose the tea cup I want to use each time I have tea or coffee based on how I feel at that particular time. I've decided long ago that I will stop matching and start a more eclectic kitchen with various types (and colors) of cups, plates, silverware...

I'm thinking of...

...getting rid of dusty window coverings and moving towards wood blinds for my bedroom. I really like the espresso-colored wooden blinds with tapes in sage color...just the right colors for my bedroom!

I can smell...

...sweet scents from my herbs on the kitchen counter. I just love the smell of herbs, especially Thai basil and sweet basil. I just wish I have a window over the sink...I have an island instead. Mint is a specially useful herb that one can use in almost anything including drinks. My favorite is ice water with mint and sliced lime or lemon.

I'm wanting...

...a fingerprint door lock for my front door. This latest biometric entrance technology with 150 storage capacity can replace any standard door locks and according to the instructions, it's an easy-to-install lock. I am really loving this! This will be on my to-do list the next 3 months.

I'm dreaming of...

...a nice warm bedroom design in sage color. I need to visit a home decor store where I can find materials to decorate my bedroom. The image below will be a wonderful idea booster... I like the duvet and the stick-on mural on the wall but I think I will replace it with a few branches in a large, tall vase.

on desire...

Merriam-Webster's definition of desire is to long or hope for and to express a wish for/to. We naturally, for some reason, want too much either from relationships, jobs, education etc., which often results in disappointments and negative feelings. If we can't get what we want, we become disappointed; however, when we have too much, we grow tired of it resulting in boredom or loneliness. Often, we don't appreciate what we already have; therefore, taking it for granted. Next time you desire something or someone (relationships), ask yourself why you think you want or need it. Eric Fromm, a well known Psychiatrist, argued that man's main task in life is give birth to himself and to become what h/she potentially is. The main reason for people's sadness is probably reaching the end of the line and realizing that they have not reached their potential, living the rest of their lives in regret.

on karma...do unto others

Karma in Hinduism and Buddhism means the total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. In general, it is believed that the natural laws of causation sufficient to explain the effects of karma. Karma means "deeds" or "act" or "cause and effect." This means that whatever we do now, in this present life, will determine what happens to us in the future. This validates the sayings, "what goes around comes around," "you reap what you sow," or "everything comes full circle." In essence, we make what happens to us happen. Luke 6:31 "do unto others as you would have them do to you" is perhaps the best definition for Karma. So, in this lifetime, if you love and care for people, you also will be loved and cared for. However, if you inflict pain or damage to others, great pain shall be inflicted on you.

on death...

Yet another young man died this week...although I've only seen him once or twice, I feel sad for him...I hope it is true that we somehow end up somewhere nicer than on earth...I hope then that he is now somewhere where he can truly be happy.

In What the Buddha Taught, Walpola Rahula stated that "when the physical body is no more capable of functioning, energies do not die with it, but continue to take some other shape or form, which we call another life." We need to, however, worry about Karma. According to Buddhist teachings, some people are "stuck" and re-create the same old patterns with their present thoughts and attitudes. To change our Karma, we must change our minds and attitudes--what you do and what happens to you is the same thing. This means wholesome actions lead to wholesome states while negative actions lead to negative states.

In metempsychosis, the soul is immortal and passes through cycles of incarnation in birth and release from the body at death. Similar to Buddhist theory, the behavior of the individual during a particular life can determine the form the soul take in the next life. In Phaedrus, Plato argued that after the death of the body, the soul passes through the realm of the ideas, which is why it is possible for us to possess particular kinds of knowledge, such as the consciousness of virtue and perfection, through the process of anamnesis or "recollection."

Whether or not there is life after death, it is important that we as humans pay attention to what we do and how our actions affect the people around us. Things we do that we may not feel is a big deal, can scar a person for a long time.

the best things in life are free...

It was great seeing a "fairy lantern" for the first time during my hike in California. This flower is so tiny and grows under other bushes and trees making it easy to miss. I would love to see a fairy but I'm not sure they really exist. In this lifetime, I feel blessed to have seen what I have seen and to have had the opportunity to do the things I've done. If God is to ask me what I like most about being alive, I wouldn't know what to say because there are just so many wonderful things on earth that I would probably miss after I am gone.

it took him 1 second to fall in love...

He said it took him only a second to fall in love...it was a feeling when you meet someone by chance and your heart beats fast as they come closer. This feeling of love was clarified when after that chance meeting...her image was imprinted on his mind and the thought of meeting again makes his heart pound and goodbyes makes his heart sink to its lowest making it difficult to breath. Time seems to fly when they are together, but when apart, time seems to stall.

the fear factor out of buying a new home...

For me, buying a home feels like a ball and chain is placed around my ankle--preventing me from going anywhere. It is definitely a scary task for me to undertake since I like having my freedom to travel and move (or change jobs) anytime I feel like it. But, I did it! I thought maybe since I'm getting to be at the age where I should stay in one place for a while and possibly grow some fruit trees in the backyard...etc., I went ahead and signed the dotted line and committed to a 30-year imprisonment

Taking aside my unreasonable fear, I actually enjoyed the process of having a house built. Although it is not my first time, I enjoyed watching my house built from the ground up. It definitely took a while for me to decide whether I wanted carpeting or wood floors (considering the cost). Now, I get to have the pleasure of designing the backyard. It's a working process but it's fun and I've learned a lot about carpentry and interior design.

ahh youth...

Looking through old photos...I try to imagine events in my life as a young woman and was saddened that it was gone...my youth, although I experienced some hardships, it was one wonderful trip. Love at first sights...first dates...broken hearts...seeing a foreign place for the first time and encountering a beautiful flower that I've never seen before. I truly miss my young self...

Unforgettable feelings of youth...

My heart skipped a beat when I first saw him. I spotted him in a crowded place, as if someone told me to turn his way. From that day on...his face was always in my mind...smile comes when I think of him...his glances...my nervous feelings

Prepare for the year of the Yang Water Dragon (Ren Chen)! Starting February 4, 2012, make notes of the areas in your house to ensure you receive positive energy and avoid illness and wealth loss:

South (142.5º to 217.5º) is where the Three Killings (San Sha) is located.  Make sure not to undertake any form of construction in this sector of your home. Since this is the worst of the annual afflictions, keep this area quiet and try not to spend too much time here.

Southeast (112.5º - 127.5º) is where the Grand Duke of Jupiter (Tai Sui) is located this year. Do not disturb this area and if your front door is located here, try not to slam the door or make any noise.

Northwest (292.5 – 307.5) the Year Breaker (Sui Po) can be found. During 2012, try not to disturb this area. Like Grand Duke and San Sha, respect this area and try to avoid it or try not to make any renovations or noise in this area. If your TV is in this location, you might want to move it somewhere else this year.

Southeast (112.5º - 127.5º) is also where the Five Yellow is residing this year. The Five Yellow, if disturbed or activated can bring illness and disaster, including money loss or lawsuit.

NOTE: If you need to do any work in the areas above, make sure to complete them before February 4, 2012. Remember, the best cure for these afflictions is avoidance. If your bedroom is located in this sector of your home, you might want to move bedroom just this year.

The following are the BEST locations in your home, and you should take advantage of them to enhance your love life and career:

South - Wealth sector

East - Relationship/Romance

Center - Great for studies or academic pursuits

West - This is the most auspicious sector of your home this year

Northeast - Future Wealth. Career opportunities and promotion are probable especially if your home office
                  is located here.

my favorite fruit...

Give me a hard persimmon anytime! I just loved this fruit! I ate my first persimmon while I was in South Korea...my Korean landlord has one growing in his yard...the color is so beautiful, and the taste so sweet. People wait for them to ripen/soften, but I prefer to eat them al dente...crunchy and sweet.

let's begin again...

I can't believe I'm able to see yet another year! When the cancer recurred 4 months ago, I didn't think I would make it since it's my 3rd diagnosis, but here I am, still kicking! So much has happened this year.  Met new friends, visited other countries, almost changed jobs, and I purchased a house. The feeling is both exciting and overwhelming. I never stayed in one place for more than 3 years since I joined the Air Force in 1987. So, purchasing a house in a place I never thought I would live is a little overwhelming. Oh well, I won't let a mere house to stop me from traveling...as a matter of fact, I'm flying out next month to see friends and family in Asia. My plans of retiring in Hawaii is also still a go. Anyway, may 2012 be as fruitful and full of excitement like 2010! I'm hoping to do bigger and better things for this year! HAPPY NEW YEAR!